An Introduction to American StupidSpeak
 

April 6 2005
Counterbias.com
Mel Seesholtz
 

If you're living in the American theocracy under the reign of King George the W, learning American StupidSpeak (ASS) is an unfortunate necessity. But the process is quite easy and requires no thought, just an empty mind. With that in mind, let's begin.

For pre-election 2004 classic examples of ASS, go to the on-line archives of Focus on the Family, an organization run by Dr. James Dobson of SpongeBob fame. There you can find the article "Debate-Tested  Sound Bites on Defending Marriage" by Glenn T. Stanton. Just click for downloadable "helpful, debate-tested soundbites for defenders of natural marriage and the family."

"Natural marriage"? Prior to ASS, "natural marriage" would have been a flashing neon oxymoron. Sex is natural. "Marriage" is a word denoting a highly contrived civil contract the historical purpose of which was to convey property and legacy, as well as to secure financial perks and legal rights. For most of the history of the institution called "marriage," the unions were arranged, the wife (wives and/or concubines approved in Gen: 4:19, 29:17-28, II Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13 and I Kings 11:3) were little more than property and love, although sometimes involved, was certainly not necessary.

"Defenders of the family"? In this usage, ASS demonstrates how it transmogrifies the real-world quality of other forms of communication, such as Polynesian languages that have no words for "ice" and Eskimo languages that have no words for "palm trees." ASS recognizes only heterosexual families: families with same-sex parents are simply not part of the lexicon and, therefore, non-existent in the ASS zeitgeist. For example, all the evangelical Christian Right lobbying groups call themselves "pro-family" despite the fact that they vehemently fight any form of benefits for same-sex families. Before ASS, the validity of the "pro-family" identification would have been negated by real-world facts such as those from the Adoption Family Center that document there are between 8 and 10 million children being reared in gay and lesbian families.

The same "pro-family" groups also clearly speak through their ASS when they claim to be trying to "protect the children" while they vigorously oppose any measures that would help protect gay and lesbian children in the nation's public schools. An early 2005 report issued by Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG) documented that 95% of counseling services in the nation's public schools have little or no gay, lesbian or bisexual resources. Focus on the Family's CitizenLink began its story about the PFLAG report with this: "A major support group for the relatives of homosexuals has released its analysis of the nation's schools, and while many family advocates will find the results encouraging."

It's "encouraging" that gay, lesbian and bisexual students are unsupported and, therefore, made even more vulnerable to the effects of the bullying, harassment and violence faith-based ASS and its antigay rhetoric promote? What kind of "Christian pro-family protect-the-children" attitude is that? Rhetorical questions, to be sure. CitizenLink's use of "encouraging" is a brilliant example of the "holy" ASS attitude.

The arguments by members of these "Christian pro-family protect-the-children" groups also demonstrate a fundamental principle of ASS: any statement is rendered "true" simply by adding the word "God," a reference to Christian dogma, or the phrase "religious conscience." For example, in the summer of 2004, four landlords in Allentown, PA refused to rent to gay people, thereby violating a city anti-discrimination ordinance. The landlords were sued. But a section of Pennsylvania's Home Rule Act, which includes Allentown, prevented the city from requiring businesses and employers not to discriminate based on sexual orientation or gender, so the landlords won the case. Following the decision, the landlords' attorney, Randall L. Wenger, made the following ASS holy statement: "It's a complete victory. It allows them to exercise their religious conscience in the way that they see fit." Exercising their "religious conscience" as they saw fit was exactly what the 9-11 terrorists did, hence the necessity that only fundamentalist Christian dogma be referenced in any ASS statement.

The Traditional Values Coalition is a veritable paragon on ASS. Last summer they teamed up with a group of ultra-conservative clergy to damn homosexuality, same-sex marriage and gay people not only because that was "God's will," but also to "debunk" the claim by gays and lesbians that their fight for the legal right to a civil marriage is a "civil rights" issue. (An image of the group is still posted on TVC's website: www.traditionalvalues.org, lower left side of the page.) Before political ASS was penetrated by religious fundamentalists, citizens' legal right to enter into a civil marriage would have constituted the definition of "civil rights."

Another long-time expert in ASS - even long before it was called that - is the Roman Catholic Church. The Crusades, the Holy Inquisition, the torture and slaughter of indigenous peoples in the New World, and the Salem witch hunts attest to the RCC's long-term use of ASS. In his late 2004 message to visiting US bishops and the visiting US president, the pope decreed that "In the face of such erroneous yet pervasive thinking [ie, thought not based on ASS or church doctrine] you must do everything possible to encourage the laity in their special responsibility for evangelizing culture and promoting Christian values in society and public life." The ASS definition of "do everything possible" is closely allied with exercising one's "religious conscience" in the way one is told to "see fit." (See Allentown example above.)

Focus on the Family, Traditional Values Coalition, fundamentalist clergy and the Roman Catholic Church are good, but the avatar of American StupidSpeak is George W. Bush. His expertise is so widely recognized that ASS's one and only dialect bears his name: BushSpeak (BS). For a more detailed exegesis of Avatar Bush's ASS, see Maureen Dowd's "Welcome to Bushworld, where things aren't what they appear to be," New York Times, May 27, 2004, but consider this example. Paul M. Weyrich, national chairman of an amalgam of conservative organizations known as Coalitions for America, advised George W. that he needed to shift the focus of his reelection campaign from Iraq to the gay marriage issue in order to be successful in November. GWB responded by reiterating his opposition to gay marriage in remarks to the Southern Baptist Convention (June 2004), saying that "government, by strengthening and protecting marriage, serves the interests of all."

The definition of "all" in Mr. Bush's statement is the epitome of ASS BS. It's rivaled only by Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld's definition of "legitimate interrogation methods" at Abu Ghraib and former Attorney General Ashcroft's definition of "respect for personal privacy" when he subpoenaed the personal medical records of women who had had late term abortions at Philadelphia's Hahnemann University Hospital. And it is matched only by Mr. Bush's own usages, such as campaigning in 1999 as a "uniter."

In the brave new world of ASS BS, "uniter" refers to someone who divides the global community by invading two sovereign non-Christian nations and then divides the population of his own country into heterosexuals who have civil rights and homosexuals who do not. The ASS etymology of "uniter" derives from earlier BS:

"I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God." - George H. W. Bush.

Mel Seesholtz is a Professor of English at Pennsylvania State University.

---